Personal Pad

i found that every day i have to sit before the keyboard and write about the day just passed, describe how it was wasted. it's kind of ironic, however, i hope that i haven't been addicted to it.

many people are keeping themselves busy this summer. tomato are doing her internship in the sz tv station. and there're also many friends busying with their jobs whom i don't know.

today when i was practising my toefl speaking, i saw a question asking:" what is a motto that has special meaning to you or that you live by?" i immediately thought of the one socratis recerived from the God in the delphi temple. it was "to know yourself". i said while answering:" when i knew this motto, i was shocked." actually i wasn't.  and that's all the problem.

you have to have something to which you have some kind of devotion. you will be very happy especially when what you devote yourself to is something abstract. people says that economist, or even those students who major in economics, are too rational, and i second that. because what they strive for is something relating closely to money. and money represents all those things which are substantial, such as the new established buildings, new bought cars, or new created fashion.

but when you are dedicate yourself to something abstract, such as philosophical knowledge, physical world, the classical words, the ancient history, you will gain much more happiness, which is undoubtedly new.

is it late for me to realize that? according to those motivational speakers, it's never too late to determine what you really want to do. i agree with their conclusion, but disagree with their pretext. there're some jobs which require specific fundamental knowledge, and there're also many jobs that requiring only your acute thinking ability and personal life experience. Ji Xianlin was a master in Indology, however, before being a graduate in germany, he was just an german language undergraduate. he set an optimistic example for me because i want to be a scholar in those classic language or philosophy area, but not in some technical subjects area, within my present situation.

so there's something i want to pursue. however,  am i devoting myself to it with ture enthusiasm? or do i really want to dedicate to it?

when you're doing what you like, it's the happist thing in the world. however, there are only few who found what they really loved. and unfortunately, i want to become one of these people.

another day are coming. i've said this sentence more than one hundred times, every time i want it to be ture, however, this never happened. i don't like at all those motivational speakers. they do really succeed in inspiring their audiences, however, are those audiences motivated by their own heart or just by the atmosphere and strong words from the speaker?

i do agree that motivation is inevitably necessary for most human beings, for we mostly are not perfect. sluggish is normal. however, when looking forward to our future, everybody don't want to be sluggish.

always, few succeed.

here comes the typhoon...

while staying at home, i didn't have any feeling about it. but acoording to my roommate's words, who is still being in the school, said that the wind is becoming very strong. it drag the rubbish bin from this side of the building to another side.

every year it comes.

There're always something that won't change at all, such as those natural phenomenon. i believe that there're also something within us that won't change through our entire life. however, that opinion usually means nothing.

i spent a lot of time to think about what the best kind of political system is, what kind of lifestyle is the most appropriate for human. however,  to date i haven't figured them out.

in the meanwhile, i got into a lot of trouble with interpersonal relationship. i tried to retain myself, but alway, as a consequence, i failed. being straight-forward,  being kind to all the people i met, all caused me great troubles.

so i read books about social psychology, about the common politics among ordinary people. from the <Social Psychology> by professor aronson, i knew that man have to live a rational life. reviewing my own life, i found that i have always been to emotional. i could be very kind even to a person whom i hated or who was entirely stranger to me, and all these deeds were derived from my honesty. i didn't try to deceive anybody, i was just acting myself. now i know that maybe my kind, too kind probably, doubted somebody i've ever helped and been kind to, thereby make them suspicious about me. actually i could understand this kind of feeling.

<The Prince> by Machiavelli is being read by me. it is a very modern book, as i think that most theories from it could be immediately applied to contemporary society.

I don't know if Machiavelli believe that there's something in the world called love. nonetheless, i know that he's absolutely not a hypocrite. at the endpage of the book, there's the editor's words:" Astonishing in its candor..." yes, Machiavelli didn't try to express the imformation that he's  good guy. and he's not, according those biblical rules in the Holy Book. but since all the pope were not good, also according the biblical rules, why should average people observed the good morality.

I won't be a prince, or even try to be a prince, because it's completely not my type. i want to be a poet actually, but since i didn't have the essential talent to be one, i want to be a teacher in a college, and if possible, i want to be a philosopher, or at least, a thinker.

i want to own valuable and real friendship and love, but not against all odds. at first i want to get the knowledge of my identity, then there's space for love and friendship. but the question is, am i able to strive for my goal and wait until that day comes?

i've already been at home for three days. During the period, i didn't do anything that might mean anything to my future. i've been wasting time.

I've begun reading The Prince by Machiavelli before i left school, and i've finished one third of it. however, today, the sixth day from the beginning of my reading it, i've finished twenty more pages.

Did i actually do something constructive? yes. today i reviewed some guitar tabs and played some songs which i had been playing all the time but not very good at them. so i've made some improvement. but how about else, i mean, apart from the guitar things, how about those things about my academic work? Neither to the economics, or the philosophy, or the toefl for my application for sjc, did i paid any attention in these days.

tonight i casually tried to say something in english, and i found that i spoke very un-fluent. my pronunciation is being worse and worse, and my expression in english didn't make any progress.

everything sucks, especially myself.

she's been at home now. according to the sentence she wrote on xiaonei, i knew that she's better now, at least better than the day before yesterday. being at home make she happier to some extent. but how about when she calmed down? i've got the same problem.

D said i've got to figure things out with the aid of myself. no one can help me. i agreed with him. actually it's all my problem. six months ago i didn't have the gut to pursue anything i want. now, though i still haven't got enough gut, at least i reallized the problem. but there's a more serious and important problem: what do i actually want? who essentially am i?

i have to answer the questions, no matter what the answer is. maybe it's not an answer logical, but an answer from my bottom heart is enough.

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SZ has changed a lot. i've always been regreted that i didn't choose to go to szu. it's really a great pity. szu has a great potential, and the circumstance is very good. fresh air, and abundant scholarship, all of these are very attractive. though gz is a historical and cultural city, but as i'm in a very bad university, all of those optimistic and bright side things mean nothing to me.

if sjc proved to be an unavailable way, i would undoubtedly choose to go to hu or sysu, where i could either learn philosophy or ancient chinese. i want to figure things out with so tutor, because i know that within only myself, i could do really just a few.

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today is lonelie's birthday.

two years ago, we were very close. although we didn't have much touch in high school, but that doesn't matter. i could contact and talk happily with her on the phone.  but with some vague reasons we gradually came to be alienated from each other.

she's a good girl. she's my friend, ever or now.

i've lost a lot of friends, already. do i want to lose more?

seriously and horribly, i don't know.

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tomorrow, as today, i'll get up acound twelve o'clock. what's my plan then?

i think i should schedule a sketch.

toefl speaking

toefl listening

reading prince

playing guitar.

that's all. if i can manage to do those all, actually i would be of success, more than today, at least.

I heard you weeping in the phone. I knew that you 're very unsep with my behavior. I knew that actually i should not be the guy that you want. Though, i still fell into confusion.

If you told me you feeling six months ago, i would have been more enthusiastic about the development about our relation. however, as the time went by, i changed so much. restraining my emotion, i gradually lost the feeling about you. when you realized that i had some crash on you, actually i had nothing with you.

you said goodbye. i felt upset. i knew that we could not be friends anymore.

when you need you you still can call me out, but i know that you won't do that. maybe you'll hate me, but i really don't want to hurt you. it's a kind of selfish, which i don't want to directly confess so.

if we found the emotion between us earlier, if you could help me with working out the confusion within me earlier, we could have made further progress. however, things didn't go in this way.

i would certainly feel sorry about it. upset and dismayed is i.

it's only a pity?

don't say goodbye to me.

i went out to have something to eat with one classmate who i ever thought was very clever. Now i still think he's very intelligent, but no in the way i ever thought he was in. 

We were talking aimlessly about something i forgot now. Then we came to the point that i said he's totally wrong in the logic. he said logic, althought it was devised orginally by aristotle, could also be wrong. I replied that ' so you mean that more than half of the people in the world could be wrong all the time?' he said that majority was not an adequate reason in the discussion. besides he asked me whether i could prove the equation that 1 plus 1 is 2. i wasn't ablt to answer him, although i knew that things went wrong with him but not with me. i responded that i didn't want to continue the discussion. thereafter the atmosphere became quite embarrassed between us.

Same thing happened 3 years ago when the discussion between my deskmate and i happened. he stood for the viewpoint that we chinese should not buy any goods from japanese. i asked him that if he had any japanese manufacuture in his house. he was immediately blush and had nothing to say. since then, our relation became a little embarrassed.

in either occasion i didn't feel that i'm wrong. tonight there was absolutely something wrong with the guy's logic system. it not happened this time, it also had already happened many time before. in the case happened 3 year ago, it was my deskmate's emotion which caused his irrationality in the thinking of the affairs between chinese and japanese.

i am not always right. notwithstanding, nevertheless, i thought in most discussions, i mean those serious ones, i have always been very sober about the topic everybody is talking about. however, i usually have the unusual and different opinions with them, so alienation is inevitable.

i should do something. first, i should be more staunch on my side. then, i should spend as less time as i could with all these people. they can be my friends, yet they are too self-involved.