Personal Pad

last time i updated the blog was more than ten days ago...

when happened after i arrived at school? i had decided to pay more attention to the preparation of toefl, however, i didn't focus most of my attention on it. i spent a lot of time in playing meaningless games, scanning the web, and doing other meaningless things.

yesterday morning feng gave me a call saying that he really wanted to have a talk with some old friend like me. we talked about our recent life, and our goal in the future. however, i thought that i disappointed him because he wanted me to agree with his living style but not to try to give him any advice. well, that's me.

after that talk, i made up my determination to practice ving tsun kungfu. tomorrow i will start it.

it seems that d stops treating me as a good friend as ever. i knew that there're many reasons. of them one is that i didn't have any determination to do anything actually. sometimes i could have strong opinions, but that doesn't do any good to me since opinions are so subjective. live requires me think of the solutions for the future instead of staying in the same place wandering around.

i've got to sleep.

now i'm at the dormitory.

i've made the first step. i heard from my classmate that one of my classmates is attending a toefl preparatory class. now i knew that i've fallen far behind. i always said that i've spent a lot of time on english, however, now the speaking and writing part are still a big problem to me.

besides, my application should be finished in one month.

everything's in a hurry.

with everything prepared, now i'm waiting for the time to leave home.

ten days ago i thought of preparing toefl and application package at home. however, everything turned out that the plan wasn't able to be achieved, because of the circumstance of my family, and my own attitude.

i am afraid that most things are already determined, for my present ability and situation. actually i try to not believe that, at the best of my ability. because i don't want to stay here, i want to make much progress, i want to proceed, i want to have some different kind of future.

yeah. now it's the way to go.

an strife with dad about those chronic problems of my family...

he said that everything was not gonna be changed, i argued that we have to do something for a change... once i ever had the same opinion with him, but now, i know that only change, you've got to do something, can make our life better. otherwise it would be worse and worse. i ever thought of escaping from the family, however, it's not possible. every time i think of myself i will think of the family. with the determination to change myself, i have got to change the family.

tonight i also had a talk with him. it was about my cousin. "he can not be saved on his study and in his life." i said to him straightforwardly. gradually, as my argument went on, he agreed with me. however, my uncle, and my cousins, will always be a problem, maybe a serious problem.

 

i didn't go for that tour with my high school classmates. i felt sorry about that, however, it's not gonna be changed.

i decided to go back to school and prepare for my application package and toefl test. i know, clearly, that there's only little chance for my admission, however, i want to have a try.

 

everybody is in some kind of confusion. actually i am too. notwithstanding, i know that i am confused with how to achieve my goal instead of thinking of what my goal is.

 

tomorrow will be another day. yeah.

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